this is how I feel

it’s dark or it’s not dark
i can’t really tell
i’m awake or i’m not awake
i’m not really sure

i don’t know what happened to time
it probably still exists but it has lost all meaning
when do i work when do i eat when do i sleep

the sun is around some days
but i’m inside always inside never outside
i could go outside but where do i find the energy to get off this couch or out of this chair
i know i used to do these things
but how
it all seems like a distant memory

i’m healthy or at least as healthy as i can be
i know people are struggling with illness and hunger and so many things right now
i have it good
but i don’t feel alive

is this life now

for how long for how long do i pretend do i have to pretend that i’m okay
that i feel okay
that i can live like this
that things can be kind of sort of normal

and it’s not normal
it’s crisis emergency disaster unprecedented
and and and
and it’s not normal

but how many days nights weeks months before this becomes normal
or at least feels normal
or like something i can do or survive or make it through or oh gosh

it’s not dark or light or morning or night
it’s gray just always gray inside and outside and all around me


please let me go back to the way it was before

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